In the mid-1980’s I read a cross country travelogue book named Blue Highways that included a description of a catholic Trappist monastery in Conyers, Georgia. The book planted a seed for me attending a personal retreat at a place like that.
In 1993 my pastor recommended I attend a St. Louis Cursillo weekend. Cursillo is a unique Christian weekend spiritual renewal retreat organized and run by the Catholic Church. The pastor was an active participant in such weekends. I did attend. It was an intense and emotional spiritual experience that helped me reconnect with my Christian faith. It also made me open to going on another spiritual retreat.
I attended a theology-focused weekend Presbyterian Retreat in 1994 and was assigned a roommate who was a Saint Louis University Jesuit philosophy professor and also my age. We became friends and talked theology and life late into the night. At the time, I was facing employment pressure at my company because of an ongoing reorganization. I was 49 and had worked 25 years as a lawyer at Monsanto Company. I had distressing feelings and thoughts about possible job loss and what to do if it happened to me. I found myself lacking direction and focus because of the uncertainty.
The retreat allowed me to disconnect from the chaos of my daily life which was filled with negative thoughts and emotions. It gave me time for self reflection and learning to journal which helped me create order in the chaos I was feeling. Daily writing down my most personal fears, thoughts and emotions allowed me to de-stress and wind down. The journaling plus conversations with my new friend helped me focus my mind on the present moment and unload worries of the future.
Soon after I returned home from the retreat in the fall of 1995, I learned the shocking news that I had been downsized at Monsanto after 25 years of loyal service but because of the retreat experience, I was ready and energized to begin looking for another job and soon had two better job offers. However life was still full of challenges and chaotic as I was downsized again after a year and a half service to the new company. I reacted aggressively with a job search and found a job with a law firm in St Louis in September 1997.
In early 1998, I resigned from the St. Louis law firm where I worked. I had questions about the integrity of its immigration law practice. I was again at a professional career decision crossroads. I asked myself what I should do and had no answer. I called my St. Louis University professor friend and we met in his office. He immediately suggested I take time off and attend a personal spiritual retreat, mentioning two options in Missouri.
The experiences of my prior retreats connected and I packed and left immediately. The first was a retreat 30 miles south of St. Louis called the Mississippi River Vision of Peace Hermitages catholic retreat center. I looked forward to getting away to a place where natural beauty, solitude, and simplicity provided a place to clear my mind, connect with God, and make a life decision.
When I arrived I found myself at peace and calmed by the scenery. I stayed by myself in a simple, secluded, one-room hermitage built into a bluff overlooking the Mississippi River. It was a location with a simple minimalist life that appealed to me. No material attachments, just natural beauty and solitude.
It felt like being in the middle of nowhere. Over the next three days I saw a few people but merely nodded my head and smiled. There was a nun who prepared a soup noon meal for me each day. I spent most of the time reading spiritual books in the room, journaling or walking along the river. While I had disconnected from my daily life, focusing on inner reflection, journaling, meditation, and prayer, the lack of any structure made me feel uneasy. It was a place of peace and quiet and I needed that but I started to get bored.
Lacking a gut feeling to make a decision after three days, and still impatient about the how to proceed, I decided to go on a second retreat. I hoped I would find a gut inclination or nudge from God about what to do in the future. After checking out of the Hermitages retreat, I drove 200 miles southwest to Ava, Missouri to the Assumption Abbey Trappist monastery where I stayed in a guest room for the next six days. Simple plain meals were served by a monk.
The monks prayed 7 times a day beginning with the Vigil office at 3:15 a.m. and ending with Compline at 7:30 p.m. I was encouraged to "assist" in these offices but wasn’t required to attend. I attended most but not all. They were a great opportunity to chant along with the monks and have a chance to experience a bit of their life. My daily schedule also included a lot of time reading in the Abbey library. I also spent several hours talking to one of the monks serving the guests. No divine incites but encouragement to relax, let go of my thoughts, and be conscious and open to God’s will. My life had been the opposite, always performance and goal centered. This was truly a total and profound contrast in life experience. Company, title salary, dress and persona meant nothing here.
No one told me what to do or how to act. No one knocked on my door. It was completely self-directed but the structure of monastic life was available and meaningful. I came to respect those monks who had totally dedicated their lives to Christ, with both feet in a spiritual life- not something I could do. But I did learn to slow down to the speed of life meaning letting go of my fears and worries about the future in prayer to God each day and instead focusing, as the monks did, on what was happening right in front of me in the present moment. This allowed me to bring my best energy and focus to being aware of my deep desires and goals.
Before I left, I learned good news that a new job was offered to me as an attorney at Georgia-Pacific Company in Atlanta and I took it.
These personal spiritual retreats have been eye opening experiences which showed me a different way of living life. Each of these occasions involved disconnecting from my daily life, and focusing on inner reflection, meditation, and prayer. As a result, I was able to find clarity, peace, renewed purpose, and ultimately make clear-headed and balanced life decisions.
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